My husband and I were completing our taxes using Turbo Tax last weekend. Whenever we do this, I am struck by the strange questions the program asks, questions about money we might be receiving from unusual sources that the government doesn’t want to miss the opportunity to tax. One question, for instance, asked if either of us had been wrongfully imprisoned and then compensated for this by the state. If so, the state wanted to tax these wrongful imprisonment payments. I can’t help but feel that is absurd on many levels, more so since the state made the payments in the first place. We were also asked if we had earned any money from recycling containers, as the government wanted a share of the 95 cent profit we might have made.
But perhaps there are other unconventional ways of making income that the government neglected to tax. In the spirit of tax season, then, I have constructed my own list of questions that Turbo Tax should ask us in the future to make sure no income goes untaxed:
• Did you find any money on the ground and pick it up and pocket it? Enter the value.
o In addition, estimate the value of pennies from rarer years, especially those before 1987.
• Did a cashier ever accidentally give you more than the correct amount of change? Enter the value.
• Did you receive coupons in the mail, even those you didn’t use? Enter the value.
• Did you purchase or receive a toy as a child that has since increased in value? Estimate the income. If the toy was a gift, enter zero as the original value.
• Do you own fruit trees? Enter the value of this fruit, adjusting for the heightened price of organic fruit.
• Are you a mother that breast feeds? Enter the value of this milk.
• Did the metal in your fillings increase in value? Estimate the value.
• Did you get married this year? Congratulations! Enter the value of your wedding gifts.
• Did you have a garage sale, either online or the old fashioned way? Enter the value of junk offloaded onto your neighbors.
• Enter the monetary value of the music you downloaded illegally this tax year. Entering a value of zero causes an immediate audit.
• Did anyone ever give you a gift when it was neither your birthday nor a major holiday? Enter the value of this gift.
• Were you abducted by extraterrestrials that imbued you with heightened intelligence, or a different super power? Assign a monetary value to this gift and enter it.
• Do you babysit? Enter a monetary value even if under the age of twelve and did not receive a W-2 from your parents to babysit a sibling.
Formerly, the government did not tax certain professions due to their illegality. Now, however, the government will not press charges if taxes are reported and paid for the following activities:
• Do you sell crack/ cocaine? Enter your profits.
• Did you perform a back alley abortion? Enter your profits for the tax year.
• Did you sell organs, yours or a friend’s, on the black market? Enter this income.
• If you are homeless and receive wages in a cup but are not registered as a nonprofit, enter wages.
But perhaps there are other unconventional ways of making income that the government neglected to tax. In the spirit of tax season, then, I have constructed my own list of questions that Turbo Tax should ask us in the future to make sure no income goes untaxed:
• Did you find any money on the ground and pick it up and pocket it? Enter the value.
o In addition, estimate the value of pennies from rarer years, especially those before 1987.
• Did a cashier ever accidentally give you more than the correct amount of change? Enter the value.
• Did you receive coupons in the mail, even those you didn’t use? Enter the value.
• Did you purchase or receive a toy as a child that has since increased in value? Estimate the income. If the toy was a gift, enter zero as the original value.
• Do you own fruit trees? Enter the value of this fruit, adjusting for the heightened price of organic fruit.
• Are you a mother that breast feeds? Enter the value of this milk.
• Did the metal in your fillings increase in value? Estimate the value.
• Did you get married this year? Congratulations! Enter the value of your wedding gifts.
• Did you have a garage sale, either online or the old fashioned way? Enter the value of junk offloaded onto your neighbors.
• Enter the monetary value of the music you downloaded illegally this tax year. Entering a value of zero causes an immediate audit.
• Did anyone ever give you a gift when it was neither your birthday nor a major holiday? Enter the value of this gift.
• Were you abducted by extraterrestrials that imbued you with heightened intelligence, or a different super power? Assign a monetary value to this gift and enter it.
• Do you babysit? Enter a monetary value even if under the age of twelve and did not receive a W-2 from your parents to babysit a sibling.
Formerly, the government did not tax certain professions due to their illegality. Now, however, the government will not press charges if taxes are reported and paid for the following activities:
• Do you sell crack/ cocaine? Enter your profits.
• Did you perform a back alley abortion? Enter your profits for the tax year.
• Did you sell organs, yours or a friend’s, on the black market? Enter this income.
• If you are homeless and receive wages in a cup but are not registered as a nonprofit, enter wages.
