My first high school reunion is coming up. We’re commemorating the ever momentous fourteenth, a pretty important milestone that no one wants to let pass uncelebrated. When I think about the reunion, I imagine it will be an endless repetition of the question “So what have you been up to since graduation?” Based on my research from romantic comedies on the subject, I’m supposed to say something really impressive in response, like that I invented Post Its. In fact, when I consider just telling people the truth—and listening to my classmates tell me the truth about what they’ve been doing—it seems like, with a few exceptions, our conversations will be unimpressively mundane. Where’s the fun in that? To solve this problem, I’ve been brainstorming more exciting exploits to color my years since graduation. Now when people ask, I’ll be ready.
What have I been doing for the past fourteen years? Well…
-My husband and I adopted eight children from various countries in Africa. We spend most of our time raising them, but we also enjoy building schools for illiterate children in Uganda, educating women about HIV in Namibia, and volunteering as crossing guards at Joe Henderson. Yeah, I know. Our lives are pretty ordinary—probably pretty much the same thing you’re doing.
-I won the lottery, actually. We just flew in from Sri Lanka yesterday, and we’re off to the Cayman Islands after this. What are you up to?
-I taught high school for a while. Then I married one of the students—but not one of my students. That would be wrong.
-I invented the h-phone. It was the model before the iphone, mildly less popular.
-I’m a vampire now, actually. I was torn about becoming a werewolf for a while, but I decided to go with this. We should hang out afterwards—just you and me.
-What have I been up to? I’m embarrassed to admit almost nothing. After the first $10 million, I guess I just started slacking.
-I’m starting a boy band.
-I go door to door warning people about the impending zombie apocalypse—and also asking if they want to buy Girl Scout cookies, become a Jehovah’s Witness, or vote for Mitt Romney.
-I’m working on a start-up that resurrects VCR tapes so that they’re in HD. You can only fit three minutes of material onto each tape, so you need forty tapes to make a two hour movie, but I think it’ll be the next big thing.
-No need to tell me what you’ve been up to. I’ve been tracking you pretty closely these past fourteen years.
-I’m campaigning for a recount of the Homecoming Queen ballots from 1998 because I’m pretty sure there were some hanging chads with my name that didn’t get counted—not to mention the overseas military votes.
-I’m leading an archaeological expedition to locate London Underground Platform 9 ¾—you know, the one that leads to Hogwarts.
-I’m a writer. For Craigslist. It doesn’t pay that well, but hey, I’m published.
-I haven’t done much of anything after the alien abduction, really.
-I’m leading a research project to establish the sexuality of the purple Teletubby once and for all.
-I started an environmental nonprofit—Save the Dryer Lint. Everyone just callously throws it away, and do you know what that will mean one day? There won’t be any left.
-I’ve been working at the world’s oldest profession in the world. Dinosaur hunting.
-I’m a spy. But not for pay. Mostly for recreational purposes.
-I’m not used to speaking so much English, actually. I’ve spent the last fourteen years of my life communicating exclusively in Klingon.
-I wrote The Briefest History of Time. You know, just one upping Stephen Hawking. No biggie.
-I run a sanctuary for hornless unicorns.
-Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone I’m here. I’m not supposed to go near schools or parks.
-I’m sort of like the Jane Goodall of rats. For three years, I lived among them, sometimes in sewers or squeezing inside the walls of people’s houses. It was a service to mankind, really, to show people how much we have in common with them.
Looking forward to the 28 year!
What have I been doing for the past fourteen years? Well…
-My husband and I adopted eight children from various countries in Africa. We spend most of our time raising them, but we also enjoy building schools for illiterate children in Uganda, educating women about HIV in Namibia, and volunteering as crossing guards at Joe Henderson. Yeah, I know. Our lives are pretty ordinary—probably pretty much the same thing you’re doing.
-I won the lottery, actually. We just flew in from Sri Lanka yesterday, and we’re off to the Cayman Islands after this. What are you up to?
-I taught high school for a while. Then I married one of the students—but not one of my students. That would be wrong.
-I invented the h-phone. It was the model before the iphone, mildly less popular.
-I’m a vampire now, actually. I was torn about becoming a werewolf for a while, but I decided to go with this. We should hang out afterwards—just you and me.
-What have I been up to? I’m embarrassed to admit almost nothing. After the first $10 million, I guess I just started slacking.
-I’m starting a boy band.
-I go door to door warning people about the impending zombie apocalypse—and also asking if they want to buy Girl Scout cookies, become a Jehovah’s Witness, or vote for Mitt Romney.
-I’m working on a start-up that resurrects VCR tapes so that they’re in HD. You can only fit three minutes of material onto each tape, so you need forty tapes to make a two hour movie, but I think it’ll be the next big thing.
-No need to tell me what you’ve been up to. I’ve been tracking you pretty closely these past fourteen years.
-I’m campaigning for a recount of the Homecoming Queen ballots from 1998 because I’m pretty sure there were some hanging chads with my name that didn’t get counted—not to mention the overseas military votes.
-I’m leading an archaeological expedition to locate London Underground Platform 9 ¾—you know, the one that leads to Hogwarts.
-I’m a writer. For Craigslist. It doesn’t pay that well, but hey, I’m published.
-I haven’t done much of anything after the alien abduction, really.
-I’m leading a research project to establish the sexuality of the purple Teletubby once and for all.
-I started an environmental nonprofit—Save the Dryer Lint. Everyone just callously throws it away, and do you know what that will mean one day? There won’t be any left.
-I’ve been working at the world’s oldest profession in the world. Dinosaur hunting.
-I’m a spy. But not for pay. Mostly for recreational purposes.
-I’m not used to speaking so much English, actually. I’ve spent the last fourteen years of my life communicating exclusively in Klingon.
-I wrote The Briefest History of Time. You know, just one upping Stephen Hawking. No biggie.
-I run a sanctuary for hornless unicorns.
-Do me a favor and don’t tell anyone I’m here. I’m not supposed to go near schools or parks.
-I’m sort of like the Jane Goodall of rats. For three years, I lived among them, sometimes in sewers or squeezing inside the walls of people’s houses. It was a service to mankind, really, to show people how much we have in common with them.
Looking forward to the 28 year!
