I am pregnant! I’m excited about it. My pregnancy has imbued me with several super powers. First, I have acquired a super human sense of smell. This power allows me to detect smelly people from remarkably far distances. It’s not that helpful, though, because I can’t exactly do anything about these malodorous people. I can’t really say, “Excuse me, sir, but you emit offensive odors.” Further, my power works against me because, when I have bad breath, I can smell that, too. If I’m not near a toothbrush and toothpaste, I make myself rather uncomfortable.
Another amazing power I have acquired is the ability to process liquid five times faster than my non-pregnant counterparts. I know this figure is correct because I read it in one of my baby books. These books weekly compare my fetus to a fruit with such confidence that I dare not doubt any of their facts. (My fetus is currently the size of a kumquat, if you were wondering, a completely unhelpful comparison since the layperson does not know the circumference or volume of a kumquat.)
Because I process so quickly, I frequently have to pee. This is inconvenient, actually. Recently my husband and I traveled to Maui, and it’s not always easy to find a ready restroom on vacation. It was particularly difficult when we drove the road to Hana, stopping frequently to hike trails, view waterfalls, and admire the scenery. There were few restrooms, but many secluded trails, so I peed my way to Hana. Once I ventured off onto a trail for this purpose and finished just before three small children appeared. They had followed me, thinking I would lead them to the waterfall at the end of the trail. It was a little awkward. My husband covered for me, though, by saying that we thought this path led to the waterfall (of a different type), but we were wrong.
Another time I really had to go on the beach at night. My husband was appalled and tried to dissuade me from squatting on the spot, but when he saw my resolution (it was urgent!), he agreed to stand guard. I did it under the shelter of darkness and a sea wall. There were two people right above me sitting on the sea wall, and my husband found this disturbing, but I really don’t think they could see me. After he recovered from his shock, though, my husband was full of jokes. He called the sea wall a pee wall and then said that someone should invent a new drink in my honor and call it Pee on the Beach.
Another super power is that I can eat larger quantities of food. I don’t much like this power because it means I frequently eat Second Dinner. I worry I am becoming a hobbit.
I also threw up a lot in my first trimester. I’m not sure if this is a super power, but I thought I’d try to put a positive spin on it. I never thought I’d get morning sickness because my mother never did, but apparently she hoarded all of the good pregnancy genes (or, worse, passed them onto my brother). I had to throw up before class at the college where I work one day, and the bathrooms are all equipped with automatic flushing toilets. It was traumatic, not just because I was throwing up at work, but because the toilet wouldn’t stop flushing! It must have completed four separate flush cycles while I hurled. Worse, it started throwing little sprays of toilet water into my face while I leaned over it, so I had to simultaneously vomit while dodging the flying toilet water. It was a little bit miserable.
Actually, I don’t really enjoy any of my newfound powers. Mostly, they just seem inconvenient. Sometimes I think of the Cold Play song about Superman and the burden of his powers, and I feel reassurance and solidarity. In the song, Superman notes, “It’s not easy to be me” (a sentiment echoed by Kermit the Frog), and now that I have joined the ranks of Superman and Kermit, I have to agree.
Other times, I think of the immortal words of Peter Parker—immortal because they were repeated so frequently throughout the movie: “With great power comes great responsibility.” I frequently find that other mere mortals are jealous of my new abilities. These people worry that I look down on them, and I do. After all, other people only stop and take pictures at each of the mile markers along the road to Hana. How many can say they marked their territory at each spot?
Another amazing power I have acquired is the ability to process liquid five times faster than my non-pregnant counterparts. I know this figure is correct because I read it in one of my baby books. These books weekly compare my fetus to a fruit with such confidence that I dare not doubt any of their facts. (My fetus is currently the size of a kumquat, if you were wondering, a completely unhelpful comparison since the layperson does not know the circumference or volume of a kumquat.)
Because I process so quickly, I frequently have to pee. This is inconvenient, actually. Recently my husband and I traveled to Maui, and it’s not always easy to find a ready restroom on vacation. It was particularly difficult when we drove the road to Hana, stopping frequently to hike trails, view waterfalls, and admire the scenery. There were few restrooms, but many secluded trails, so I peed my way to Hana. Once I ventured off onto a trail for this purpose and finished just before three small children appeared. They had followed me, thinking I would lead them to the waterfall at the end of the trail. It was a little awkward. My husband covered for me, though, by saying that we thought this path led to the waterfall (of a different type), but we were wrong.
Another time I really had to go on the beach at night. My husband was appalled and tried to dissuade me from squatting on the spot, but when he saw my resolution (it was urgent!), he agreed to stand guard. I did it under the shelter of darkness and a sea wall. There were two people right above me sitting on the sea wall, and my husband found this disturbing, but I really don’t think they could see me. After he recovered from his shock, though, my husband was full of jokes. He called the sea wall a pee wall and then said that someone should invent a new drink in my honor and call it Pee on the Beach.
Another super power is that I can eat larger quantities of food. I don’t much like this power because it means I frequently eat Second Dinner. I worry I am becoming a hobbit.
I also threw up a lot in my first trimester. I’m not sure if this is a super power, but I thought I’d try to put a positive spin on it. I never thought I’d get morning sickness because my mother never did, but apparently she hoarded all of the good pregnancy genes (or, worse, passed them onto my brother). I had to throw up before class at the college where I work one day, and the bathrooms are all equipped with automatic flushing toilets. It was traumatic, not just because I was throwing up at work, but because the toilet wouldn’t stop flushing! It must have completed four separate flush cycles while I hurled. Worse, it started throwing little sprays of toilet water into my face while I leaned over it, so I had to simultaneously vomit while dodging the flying toilet water. It was a little bit miserable.
Actually, I don’t really enjoy any of my newfound powers. Mostly, they just seem inconvenient. Sometimes I think of the Cold Play song about Superman and the burden of his powers, and I feel reassurance and solidarity. In the song, Superman notes, “It’s not easy to be me” (a sentiment echoed by Kermit the Frog), and now that I have joined the ranks of Superman and Kermit, I have to agree.
Other times, I think of the immortal words of Peter Parker—immortal because they were repeated so frequently throughout the movie: “With great power comes great responsibility.” I frequently find that other mere mortals are jealous of my new abilities. These people worry that I look down on them, and I do. After all, other people only stop and take pictures at each of the mile markers along the road to Hana. How many can say they marked their territory at each spot?
