Scooby Dos and Don’ts

When Colin was little, he loved books about Scooby Doo and his gang of meddling kids, and little brother Carson is similarly devoted to the series.  Now that I’ve read every book about fifty times, I see that these books are a special blend of the hilarious and absurd. 

I’ve become quite the sought-after expert on the series.  Here are the basics that you can find in every book:

-Shaggy mostly eats and jumps to nonsensical conclusions.  Once a woman said her cat was missing.  Shaggy’s response: “I hope a ghost didn’t steal it.”  You’d think the woman would respond by questioning Shaggy’s mental capacity, but no.  She is now terrified a ghost took her cat and hires Fred and the crew to solve this mystery.

-The gang next finds clues that shed no light on the mystery.  Once, a baseball throwing ghoul was terrorizing ball parks.  How will the Mystery, Inc. gang get to the bottom of this?  Luckily, Velma stoops to pick up a stray baseball.  She then notes, “It looks like this mystery is just about solved.” 

-Fred is the leader of the group because he’s white, male, and wears an authoritative kerchief around his neck.  His role is to make a trap for the villain (generally a net, which somehow surprises and catches those bad guys every time).  The rest of the gang then coax Shaggy and Scooby into being bait for the monster.  Shaggy and Scooby at first say “No way!” and “Ro ray!”, respectively, but then, when offered Scooby Snacks, acquiesce.  It disturbs no one that Shaggy is so easily persuaded by dog treats. 

-Daphne must always stand with a hand on her waist with one of her hips jutting out because this puts her hourglass figure to best advantage.  She is allowed to offer insight, but Velma is the real brains because she wears glasses and oversized sweatshirts and is markedly less attractive. 

-Scooby’s speech patterns provide hours of linguistic debating fun.  For instance, “Oh, no!” is pronounced “Ro, ro!”  By contrast, “Go, go!” is “Ro, ro!”  Or what if Scooby only likes something so-so?  No one minds this confusion because, on closer observation, it’s obvious that Scooby’s intellect level dips only slightly below Shaggy’s. 

-The criminals of Coolsville lack basic problem solving skills.  When they want something they can’t have—like, say, customers at their store—they consistently respond by dressing as monsters and terrorizing the town.  The citizens of Coolsville run in terror and believe the monster is real no matter how many times this trick is played.  Shaggy and Scooby also run in fear every time (but feel better about things when offered their dog treats and when Fred gets out his net).

-The books must always close with the unmasking of the monster and the villain saying, “And I could have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”  Then someone makes a joke that no rational person could find funny but that makes the gang erupt into raucous laughter, and Scooby has some cause for saying, “Scooby Dooby Doo!” 

My kids love these books—and they are pretty fun, definitely better than some of the drivel those kids have subjected me to.  And, bonus: Now when the kids don’t want to do something, I go ahead and offer them dog food—because apparently that’s the golden ticket to manipulating those around you.  Scooby Dooby Doo!